My Mushroom Farming Adventure: A Comedy of Errors

They say growing mushrooms is easy. "They're basically weeds," they said. "You can't mess it up," they said.

Spoiler alert: They lied.

Chapter 1: The Overconfident Beginning

It all started with a YouTube video at 2 AM. You know the kind - where someone's making thousands of dollars growing gourmet mushrooms in their basement, and it looks SO EASY. I watched three videos, considered myself an expert, and immediately ordered $200 worth of supplies.

When the boxes arrived, I realized I had purchased:

• Three different mushroom spawn types (I couldn't decide)

• A humidity meter that looked like it belonged in a NASA lab

• Something called "substrate" (still not 100% sure what that is)

• A spray bottle (the only thing I actually understood)

Chapter 2: The Great Spawn Confusion

Did you know there are approximately 47,000 different types of mushrooms? Well, I learned this AFTER I bought oyster, shiitake, and lion's mane spawn. I also learned they all have completely different growing requirements.

Oysters like it humid. Shiitakes like it less humid. Lion's mane apparently wants to live in a spa. I tried to make everyone happy and ended up making everyone miserable.

Chapter 3: The Humidity Incident

The instructions said to maintain 80-90% humidity. So naturally, I went overboard. I misted those poor mushrooms every hour like I was trying to recreate a rainforest.

Within three days, I had:

• Mushrooms that looked sadder than I felt

• Mold. So much mold.

• A growing concern that I had just created a science experiment gone wrong

• Zero actual edible mushrooms

My partner walked into the grow room and asked if we needed to call a hazmat team. I said no, but I wasn't entirely sure.

Chapter 4: The Temperature Tantrum

Turns out, mushrooms are picky about temperature too. Who knew? (Everyone except me, apparently.)

I set up my mushroom operation in a spare room in our Southern Oregon house. It seemed like the perfect spot - controlled environment, easy access, away from the elements.

The mushrooms did not appreciate this choice. They expressed their displeasure by refusing to grow and developing what I can only describe as a "sad wilted" appearance. Turns out, even spare rooms need proper climate control. Who knew?

Chapter 5: The Mystery Mushroom

One day, I walked into my setup and found a mushroom I definitely didn't plant. It was huge, weird-looking, and definitely not one of my fancy gourmet varieties.

I spent two hours on mushroom identification forums. The general consensus was: "Don't eat that."

To this day, I don't know what it was or where it came from. It's probably still lurking somewhere in the grow room, plotting world domination.

Chapter 6: The First Success (Sort Of)

After two months of failures, I finally grew something edible! It was one (1) oyster mushroom. Singular. About the size of a quarter.

I cooked it with the ceremony it deserved - which is to say I sautéed it in butter and garlic and ate it while standing over the stove, celebrating my victory.

It cost me approximately $47 per mushroom when you calculate all my expenses. The grocery store suddenly seemed very reasonably priced.

Chapter 7: Lessons Learned

What have I learned from this adventure?

1. YouTube videos make everything look easier than it is

2. Mushrooms are drama queens that require very specific conditions

3. Mold grows faster than mushrooms (this should not be a surprise, but here we are)

4. "Easy" is a relative term

5. My local farmers market has a mushroom vendor and I should have just supported them from the beginning

The Conclusion

Am I giving up on mushroom farming? Absolutely not. I've invested too much money and pride at this point. Plus, I've already told everyone I'm a "mushroom farmer" and I need at least a few more successes to back up that claim.

Currently, I have a new batch growing. They look... promising? Or possibly angry? It's hard to tell with mushrooms.

Will I eventually master this craft? Probably. Will it take longer than I thought? Definitely. Will there be more mistakes along the way? Without a doubt.

But hey, at least I can say I'm living that "grow your own food" dream. Even if my food is currently refusing to cooperate and I'm pretty sure my oyster mushrooms are judging me.

Stay tuned for more updates from the world's most confused mushroom farmer. If you need me, I'll be in the grow room (or our newly added outside shop/prep area) having a heart-to-heart with some fungi.